I Used To Know
by Lady Duck
Summary: Rachel used to know why she was in love with Quinn Fabray. Quinn used to know why she loved being able to call Rachel Berry her girlfriend. Then why do Quinn's fears always seem to get in the way? Sequel to "I Know."


**Some of you guys were asking for a sequel, so I thought that I should make a trilogy of sorts with the first story "I Know." This one doesn't have a happy ending, just forewarning you. But there's always hope for the last story :) please read and review!**

_Rachel looked cautiously into Quinn's hazel eyes, now bright with exertion. "So, where does this leave us? Are we…together now?"_

_Quinn bit her bottom lip before answering, "I honestly don't know, Rachel."_

_Her heart sank when Rachel's eyes flickered down in disappointment. "Oh."_

"_But, you want to know something I do know?" Quinn asked with a hint of mischief._

_Rachel looked expectantly at the beautiful blonde girl and smiled softly when Quinn gently pushed her back on to the couch and straddled her hips._

"_I know it wouldn't be fair if I didn't return the favor."_

That had been three months ago. Three months ago, and many secret trysts later, Quinn and Rachel had decided that they had something that was worth giving a shot. Rachel had hugged her new girlfriend ecstatically, and Quinn had smiled with amusement as she'd gripped the other girl with as much force a pregnant teenager could muster. It had been a long time before they'd broken apart, only to seal it with a tender, lingering kiss that could only lead to something that both girls had become quite adept at over the three months of their secret meetings.

The morning after, Rachel drove her bright blue VW Bug to pick up Quinn from Finn's house, insisting that as her girlfriend, it was her duty (and privilege, though Rachel figured it would embarrass Quinn too much should she say that) to make sure her girlfriend got to school safely. Quinn had been all to ready to concede. She'd had enough near-accidents because of Finn's helplessly clumsy driving to know a great offer when she saw it. When Quinn looked out the guest bedroom window to see her petite brunette lover skipping up the sidewalk in an outfit that barely covered enough skin in Quinn's eyes, the blonde couldn't stop herself from grinning. She raced down the stairs and met Rachel right before she rang the doorbell, opening the front door to plant a kiss on Rachel's lips. Rachel gasped in surprise, but smiled as she returned the greeting.

"Good morning sunshine," Rachel said lightly with a wide smile.

"Morning love," Quinn replied.

Quinn took Rachel's hand as they walked down the driveway, and didn't let go of it until they'd pulled into the McKinley High parking lot. Quinn glanced out of the window with anxiety. She remembered the conversation they'd had after agreeing to become exclusive, and after a long night of lovemaking.

"_Rachel, you do realize that I can't like you at school, right?" Quinn asked quietly._

_Rachel shifted and propped herself up on her elbow, forcing Quinn to rescind the arm she'd laid across Rachel's bare stomach. "What do you mean?" she said confusedly._

"_Well…everyone at school thinks I don't like you. I can't ruin that image if you want us to be together. If I do, then we'll both be subjected to complete humiliation," Quinn said. "Worse than what you receive."_

_Big brown eyes stared back at Quinn, still looking utterly confused. "I still don't understand. What's wrong with being open about how we like being with each other?"_

"_Because, how would it look if the former Celibacy Club President who got knocked up while drunk at a party came out as bisexual, and with a girlfriend nonetheless?"_

"_I wouldn't see anything wrong with it…"_

"_Rachel…just…trust me, please. You don't want that to happen. _I _don't want that to happen. Especially to you."_

"_So…we have to pretend to still hate each other?"_

"_Yes," Quinn answered simply._

_Rachel bit her lip hesitantly before saying, "I don't like it. I don't want to just be some girl you hate half the time and then love when no one is around."_

"_You won't be Rachel! You know that I could never hate you. This is just for the best. Trust me."_

_Quinn's heart tightened a little when she heard her girlfriend answer warily, "I guess so."_

Today would be the first day they'd have to put their façade into place. Quinn didn't think she'd be able to do it without giving something away. She wasn't worried about Rachel; she was a good enough actress to pull off her part convincingly. It would all go to plan: enemies by day, lovers by night.

Rachel wasn't as confident as her blonde girlfriend, however. What if the part became too convincing? She knew Quinn would never hurt her intentionally, but she didn't want to tell Quinn how much it had hurt to think that Quinn couldn't bear to be seen in public with her, the way they both wanted. Rachel wanted to walk down the hallways, hand in hand with her girlfriend, with the freedom to kiss her on the cheek and tell her how much she appreciated her. The worst part was that they technically did have that liberty; Quinn just wasn't comfortable taking it.

Rachel started to feel claustrophobic in her tiny car. She wanted to get out. If she waited too much longer before saying goodbye to Quinn, she knew there was no way she'd be able to pull off this act. She had to get out, and right then.

"Well, here we go," Rachel said unenthusiastically.

Quinn chuckled and pecked Rachel's lips, hoping it would reassure her that it would all go fine. "Don't worry, my little songbird. It's only for school."

Rachel brightened at the nickname Quinn gave her and smiled widely before returning the kiss to Quinn's cheek and exiting the car. After Quinn did the same, they parted ways and set themselves ready for the day.

The routine went on for the next two months. Both girls would arrive at school together, normally fighting or bickering to keep up appearances. They would glare and sneer at each other during their classes, whisper snide comments during lunch, and pretend to only moderately tolerate each other during glee. Then Rachel would drive the pregnant blonde back to Finn's house and reassure herself that nothing was different with a long, passionate kiss that released all the tension both girls felt because of their roles. But, as the days passed, Rachel began to notice how well Quinn was playing her part not just inside of school, but outside school as well. Texts between the girls became fewer and farther between, phone calls started to become shorter…Rachel was most worried that Quinn wasn't calling her "my little songbird" as often.

The feeling in the pit of her stomach almost grew to nausea when Quinn didn't call one night. They always made time to call every night, for as long as either girl could afford, just to catch up on the day they had to spend hating each other. Rachel noticed how Quinn wasn't as animated during their conversations anymore, and tried to draw her out. But each remark or comment was met with one-worded responses or murmurs that left Rachel unable to answer. Quinn seemed to notice that she wasn't as involved, and would sometimes end the conversation with the excuse that being pregnant made her tired.

Soon, it became too routine for Rachel to be with her girlfriend like this. The false hatred at school, the mildly interested demeanor her girlfriend upheld when they were together, and the scarce words or touches of affection drove Rachel crazy. She became upset and more stressed, throwing herself even more into her classes and glee to forget about the problem she knew was growing. She knew she had to talk to Quinn. She couldn't be happy like this anymore.

Right after glee practice, after another day of barely speaking to each other and avoiding glances, Rachel forgot the proprieties of their charade and dragged the blonde by the arm out to her car in the parking lot. Quinn's eyes widened with confusion and indignation, but softened when she saw that Rachel was visibly upset about something.

"Rachel, what is it? What's wrong?" Quinn asked gently.

Her soft, melodic voice made Rachel's guts wrench. She couldn't do this.

But she had to.

"Everything's wrong. Everything is fucking wrong!" Rachel cried.

Quinn gasped. Rachel had never swore before.

"I don't understand. Rachel!"

"I can't do this anymore, Quinn. I really can't. I can't be this unhappy anymore and pretend that everything is fine when in reality I dread going to school everyday because that means I have to see you and pretend that I hate you when I actually love you!" she rambled hysterically.

Quinn's hand flew to her mouth to cover the gaping hole her lips formed. "You…you love me?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you've been so caught up in pretending that you hate me that I actually started believing it again. It was too easy Quinn. I can't believe it anymore. I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean you can't do this anymore?" Quinn asked shakily. "Rachel, what are you talking about?"

"I mean that I can't be with you like this anymore! Not someone to be pushed aside only to be picked up again, and just barely at that, when the day is done. I can't disillusion myself anymore that you want this to work. It doesn't feel like that anymore."

"You think this has been an illusion?" Quinn's voice started to grow heavy with anger. "You think that I actually believe in the part I play everyday, just to make sure that we don't get ridiculed because of the relationship we have?"

Tears started to form in Rachel's soft brown eyes, and threatened to spill over when Rachel whispered, "What relationship do we even have anymore?"

Quinn stood rooted to the pavement, shocked at what she was hearing. After being lovers for five months, and exclusive girlfriends for the last two of those, Quinn didn't expect to hear from her love's lips that she was doubting Quinn's feelings. She knew that she _had been_ acting her part extremely well; there were times when Quinn almost believed that she did hate Rachel. But then she'd quickly remind herself that she didn't hate the girl who greeted her brightly every morning with her customary "Good morning sunshine!". So what was she saying?

Rachel took in a deep breath before bringing her eyes up to meet Quinn's hazel ones, now looking misty and dazed. "Let's face it Quinn. You don't care for me as much as I do for you. You're afraid to be seen in public with me, not for my sake, but for yours. The idea of being with me for everyone to see repulses and scares you. I can say that I love you when you can only say that I'm your 'little songbird.' Am I even that anymore Quinn? Am I?"

Quinn's tongue was gelled to the roof of her mouth. She couldn't answer. Her brain was too jumbled with reasons for why this could be happening. Rachel took her silence as her answer and opened the passenger door to her Bug, saying, "I'll drive you home Quinn. But I think we should take a break until you sort out your feelings and decide if I'm worth risking public humiliation. I guess I can understand why, right now, I'm not."

Her comment snapped Quinn's head in Rachel's direction. She clenched her teeth, marched over to Rachel's side, and slammed the door shut. "No," she growled.

"Quinn, I get it. I'm embarrassing. You need someone who you can bear to be seen with. I understand."

"No! You don't fucking understand Rachel!" Quinn yelled. Rachel looked taken aback at the quick flare of temper and shrunk back against the car door.

"You think that I've been purposefully acting this way because I'm scared of being seen with you? News flash Rachel, if that was the real reason, then why would've I bothered to stay in glee after getting kicked off the Cheerios? Why would I waste my breath insulting you every day, only to tell you how much you mean to me at night?"

"That's just it Quinn! You don't anymore!" Rachel started to sob.

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't want to hold my hand after school, or hug me, or kiss me, or even talk to me anymore! We can't hold one conversation without you just giving one-worded responses to everything. Do you know how that makes me feel? To think all the time that my girlfriend doesn't want to talk with me or be with me? "

"I don't understand why you think like that Rachel! Of course I love talking to you. Of course I love being with you! Why don't you see that?" Quinn asked with despair. The anger was now gone, and she was starting to see how Rachel was thinking what she was thinking. A nagging, sickening feeling settled in the pit of her stomach.

"You just don't show it Quinn," Rachel said between sobs. "I can't be with someone who doesn't show it! I just can't!"

"I can show you Rachel! I really can!" Tears were starting to leak from Quinn's eyes.

Rachel only shook her head, her sobs quieted. "That's not enough Quinn. I want to know that I'm loved, and that I'm worth the risk. If you can't give that to me, then I'm not going to force you. This has to end if that's the case."

Quinn's eyes shut to keep more tears from flowing, but her voice cracked as she choked, "Please Rachel, don't do this."

Rachel came to stop before her girlfriend and placed a kiss on the blonde's forehead before resting her own against it. She waited until Quinn's breathing slowed.

"I'm sorry Quinn. I love you. But I can't."

Quinn reached up to grasp at the brunette singer's arms, to keep her from pulling away, to keep her close and apologize for all the thoughts she had unknowingly planted in her girlfriend's head. But she caught open air. Rachel was already seated in her bright blue Bug, and was placing the keys in the ignition. She looked up to see Quinn's hazel eyes pleading, begging for her to not go. Rachel had to look away.

Quinn watched as Rachel drove off before collapsing to the pavement. She couldn't hold in the sobs anymore; they ripped at her heart and soul, heaving her shoulders with violence for minutes on end. How could she have been so stupid not to see? She'd known every time that she answered one of Rachel's comments with a noncommital grunt or reply that she was pushing the brunette away. Why had she done that? Why, in God's name, did she push away the girl she loved?

Because Rachel had been right. She should learn to never underestimate how perceptive the girl is. She _was_ scared of her already-tarnished reputation coming under more harm because she was dating another girl, and Rachel Berry of all girls. She didn't want to have to be seen with her because that would mean that Rachel would try to be affectionate with her. Quinn hadn't wanted to imagine herself holding hands with her in the hallway, or whispering "I love you" into her ear every few minutes just to see her smile. She couldn't bear the idea of humiliation. Why couldn't she just have accepted it? If she loved Rachel, and she did, then why did she have so many problems showing it?

When Quinn picked herself up off the ground, she knew she'd just made a big mistake.


End file.
